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Least Favorite Films of 2006
21. The Sentinel
This year's answer to Murder at 1600. Director Clark Johnson gets points for casting TV's "Sledgehammer," David Rasche, as the President, but those are about the only points he scores for the duration of this utter waste of celluloid's seemingly-endless 100 minutes. It's not just because all the actors save Michael Douglas regularly appear on TV shows that this thriller about dueling Secret Service agents has the feel of a made-for-TV movie. Johnson's flat, anonymous direction, hampered further by an immediately-apparent lack of funds, does the job.
20. Beowulf and Grendel
A revisionist update on a staple of English 10A, Beowulf and Grendel turns the famed Viking legend into an Old English version of Grand Canyon. This is the only film ever made about the Norse equivalent of white liberal guilt.
In addition to the goofy modern flourishes, like a proto-feminist witch played by Sarah Polley with all the subtlety of Valerie Solanas' "SCUM Manifesto," screenwriter Andrew Rai Berzins makes the fatal error of contemporizing the epic poem's language. If you've ever wanted to see Stellan Skarsgaard in a fake beard skulking around a cabin cursing out "these fucking trolls," we may have found the movie for you. Otherwise, avoid as you would a raging beast's vindictive, mythological mother.
19. Brick
Proof that a clever premise doesn't equal a clever movie, Brick spends far too much time eulogizing a dead genre and not enough time telling a compelling story or developing an original idea. Yes, we all love noir movies. Yes, it's somewhat amusing to dress up Lukas Haas as an old-timey gangster with a cape and a cane and to give him antiquated "criminal" dialogue. But did anyone really think this one-note gimmick was worth developing into a feature? Wouldn't it be possible to tell the same joke, get the same laugh, and then go about constructing a mystery that's interesting on its own merits?
18. Scoop
Woody insults his fans with this movie by churning out such apathetic, transparent piffle. Mass audiences turned their backs on him long ago. He's no longer courting the mainstream. No, when he releases something that so obviously isn't working, a relatively simple comic premise that can't even hold itself together logically, he might as well open and close the movie by facing the camera straight-on and flipping the viewer the bird. Several Woody fans have defended this film to me recently, but to do so requires such rhetorical contortions and diminished expectations, they wind up sounding more dismissive of Woody and his remaining talents than me.
17. An American Haunting
Based around a so-called "true story" from 19th Century New England, An American Haunting features a highly dubious variation on the traditional ghost story. One might almost call it "soul-shatteringly stupid." The combined talents of Donald Sutherland, Sissy Spacek and the esteemed director of Dungeons and Dragons, Courtney Solomon, can't save this hackneyed dreck.
16. Stay Alive
This braindead teen slasher opens with the question, "What if, when you died in a certain video game, it killed you in reality?" The obvious answer, that you'd stop playing that game, presents an immediate obstacle to ongoing horror movie mayhemn. So the filmmakers devise a ridiculous cheat that invalidates the whole movie: if you stop playing the game, it starts playing for you! Then why not just abandon the stupid "game" concept altogether and just make a movie about a disembodied spirit that thirsts for teen blood?
15. Lucky Number Slevin
Everyone in Lucky Number Slevin looks bored. Bruce Willis' hitman opens the film delivering an aloof and disinterested monologue about the so-called "The Kansas City Shuffle," a fancy name for the rather obvious action of distracting a person you wish to cheat. Morgan Freeman discusses an old comic strip character named The Shmoo with all the intensity of a "Prairie Home Companion" sketch. As he did in Uwe Boll's Bloodrayne, Ben Kingsley performs his entire role with a glazed-over, faraway gaze, as if he's already thinking about his next significant role. That the film was destined for tedium seems entirely clear; the question remains why Paul McGuigan would bother adapting Jason Smilovic's self-satisfied gangster headscratcher to begin with.
14. Art School Confidential
Terry Zwigoff's and Daniel Clowes' execrable ode to hipster cynicism and Randian egomania contains not a single genuine laugh. No comedy this pleased with itself could ever have a chance of being funny. If everyone at art school is such an insufferable poseur, an endless parade of shallow, conformist scenesters, why bother to set a film there? Certainly it will be as unlikable as its cast of characters.
13. Night Watch (Nochnoy Dozor)
Back in 2004, this fantasy-horror epic broke all Russian box office records, becoming the country's most popular film of all time. (Over there, it has already spawned 2 sequels, but only hit American shores in 2006.) The Russian people, post-Eisenstein, and I clearly don't enjoy the same sorts of movies.
There are virtuoso moments here, but they are always simply that - individual moments designed to show off. The camera follows a bolt as it flies off a passing jet and hurtles towards an apartment building at fantastic speeds. It looks impressive (if a bit artificial and "animated"), but belongs in a promo reel or a music video. In a film, such gratuitous showboating breaks the reality and kills the momentum.
12. Date Movie
Date Movie may be the laziest comedy ever made. Plenty of comedies come out that just aren't funny, and some are even what I would consider "creatively bankrupt." That is, they begin with nothing - not even one single genuinely funny set-up or idea. But even in an unfunny, failed comedy (like, say, Scoop), you can usually detect some effort. In fact, that's often what kills a comedy, when you spend enough time not laughing to notice the director, writer and actors trying really hard to make you laugh.
Director Aaron Seltzer and writer Jason Friedberg don't even bother mock a wide variety of movies. They stick to a scene-by-scene recreation of Meet the Parents (already a comedy! and only a mediocre one at that!) with passing references to other recent films. Please note, I said "references," not jokes. For example, Tony Cox plays a character named Hitch based on Will Smith from Hitch. They didn't even bother to make up a fake name to goof on the name Hitch!
11/10. The Wicker Man/The Omen
Neil LaBute's puzzling remake of The Wicker Man indicates an essential lack of understanding about what made the original work. He has taken out all the original's memorable and entertaining elements (the sex, the camp, Christopher Lee, the satire of sanctimonious religiocity) and replaced them with slack horror movie cliches.
Conversely, John Moore's remake of The Omen hews far too tightly to the Richard Donner original. Why redo a movie at all if you're going to recreate it scene-for-scene, making a few vestigial or ill-conceived changes? Though it's a solid horror film, Donner's original is by no means a flawless, definitive version of this story.
I lump these films together both because they are both horror remakes and because they use the same tired, egregiously thin device: supernatural dream sequences that end with a jolt. Not only that, but they botch these scenes in exactly the same way: by letting you know too early that it's all a dream, thus killing any potential suspense that might have built up.
9. Ultraviolet
I don't think it's hyperbole to call this the worst-looking American film of the year. The production company went bankrupt before the effects were completed, explaining the film's awful effects and Playstation cut-scene ambience. This comic-book-style update of a British mini-series never really had a chance.
Otherwise, all of director Kurt Wimmer's trademarks from Equilibrium are here - the theatrical, poorly-choreographed fight scenes; the cheesy dialogue; the wooden performances; the '70s camp vision of the future. New to this entry are Milla Jovovich, a long way from her breakthrough in the similarly annoying but far more visionary The Fifth Element, and child actor Cameron Bright, who worked on more bad films this year than Deluxe.
8. Friends With Money
Every scene in Nicole Holofcener's shallow indie comedy Friends With Money had at least one moment I found cloying or obvious or overly simplistic.
It's not that Holofcener starts with an insulting central conceit or anything. Her movie explores how people can easily detect the problems of others, but lack the ability to self-diagnose until it's too late. Okay, fine. But on her way to an overly pat, tidy conclusion, she fails to create any likable, realistic characters. Significant talents like Frances McDormand and Catherine Keener are saddled with paper-thin, predictable types, while Jennifer Aniston essentially recreates her character from "Friends," only without the great apartment. And the outlook here is just so superficial. Money equals happiness. Poverty is bad when it happens to attractive white women. People who smoke marijuana are loser burnouts. Dating an overweight man is pathetic, unless he's rich, in which case it's acceptable as a last resort. It gives the whole film the feel of late-era James L. Brooks - sappy, elitist, condescending bullshit.
7. Superman Returns
Bryan Singer's turgid, joyless Superman Returns feels more than anything else like a failure of nerve. Rather than risk pissing off long-time fans or young toy purchasers, he reshoots the Donner/Lester classics with modern effects and calls it a day. Okay, that's not entirely fair - he replaces Gene Hackman with a mincing Kevin Spacey, who apparently thought he was starring in a touring production of "Superman on Ice," casts an over-her-head and undernourished Kate Bosworth as Lois Lane and gives the Man of Steel an adorable moppet to take care of. Singer pulls off a few solid action sequences, and the bright crisp digital photography looks great, but he can't reconcile his seriousness of purpose with the inherent goofiness of the DC Universe. (The fact that several plot points, including the villain's master plan, plainly make no logical sense likewise tends to dull the film's impact.)
6. The Pink Panther
A remake of a classic comedy is always going to be difficult to pull off, but a remake of one of the most famous comedies in history, boasting the most iconic role from one of the screen's most beloved comedians, might not even be possible. Has any actor ever been more immediately identifiable with a character than Peter Sellers and Inspector Clouseau? Even with a brilliant script and a fresh take on the story, it would be impossible for Steve Martin (particularly at his age) to match Sellers' perfect timing and prodigal talent for physical comedy. Unfortunately, Pink Panther has neither of those things, floundering laugh-free through a series of predictable set pieces that lack any of the spark or demented genius of Pink Panther Strikes Again or A Shot in the Dark. This one's right down there with that travesty starring Roberto Benigni, which at least had the grace and humility to make its lead Clouseau's son rather than recasting the part.
5. The Da Vinci Code
Ron Howard makes my Worst Films list pretty much every year he makes a film. And with good cause. The guy represents all that is evil about soulless corporate filmmaking. His movies don't simply lack style and originality, they studiously avoid them. Mediocrity is not a bug in Howard's system, it's a feature. He's aiming for maximum gross each and every time, and you don't move units at Wal-Mart by pushing the envelope or subverting expectations. This is why a controversial religious-themed conspiracy thriller represents the worst of all possible subjects for Opie to tackle.
I never thought I could hate a movie about an albino assassin who whips himself for absolution, but here we are...
4. Thank You For Smoking
Writer/director Jason Reitman doesn't know much, but he knows he's smarter than you. Not just you, but everybody. Jason's "satire" of the Tobacco Industry uses ridicule as a dodge. He has no perspective on tobacco one way or the other. It's bad for people, sure, and the companies that produce it will use any means necessary to ensure that they get to keep selling it for profit. Other than that, he's got nothin'.
So in place of insight, the film's filled with wall-to-wall snark and bile. Reitman presents lame caricatures and strawmen - the overeager girl reporter, the ludicrous New Age movie executive, the shamelessly self-promoting politician - and then takes great delight in tearing them down, as if mocking clueless Senators and shallow film industry types required any kind of great skill. Throw in a couple of gooey, faux-heartwarming scenes on loan from Jerry Maguire and you've got a recipie for the year's most smug, unlikable indie hit.
3. Nacho Libre
Nacho Libre is racist because it presents a singular, and inaccurate, view of Mexicans and their nation as subordinate and inferior to the whites who made the film. Mexico is an extremely diverse country, both culturally and geographically. But in this film, it is uniformly brown, ugly and despoiled, and filled with stupid, ugly peasants. Hess mines for the inherent comedy in overstated Mexican accents, obese children and old people with missing teeth. Pretty much everything about Mexicans, from their cuisine to their music to their physical appearance, is mocked during the course of the film, which I found to be an unrelentingly sour, unpleasant experience and an utter waste of Jack Black's considerable gifts.
2. United 93
Why recreate 9/11 on film? United 93 doesn't tell a story about that day, something inspirational, tragic or otherwise. This is not World Trade Center, a well-meaning if occasionally misguided depiction of the heroism exhibited by rescue teams on 9/11. Instead, it's an exercize, as disturbingly cold and inhuman as any film I have ever seen, like a film directed by a moviemaking robot that has been given instructions to "put 9/11 to film." The argument that it's exceedingly well-made does nothing to convince me of its value, any more than a really expertly-crafted electric chair or a custom-engineered new strain of SuperAIDS.
So what, may I ask, is Paul Greengrass' and Universal Studios' purpose in bringing the world United 93, a minute-by-minute account of how, on September 11th as part of a coordinated attack on America, some very angry, very psychotic and very devout Muslims hijacked an airliner and then failed to hit their intended (and unknown) target? It feels to me like a particularly gruesome form of auteurism: Greengrass demonstrates his directorial prowess by realistically and accurately recreating the great tragedy of our times. A ghoulish project, to be sure, and one that is not worthy of our acclaim or praise, regardless of the technical acumen with which it was carried out.
1. Lady in the Water
M. Night Shyamalan's fall from grace has been difficult to watch. His The Sixth Sense and Unbreakable, though each flawed in their own way, nevertheless demonstrated his keen visual eye and great promise as a writer. (It's not very rewatchable, but The Sixth Sense boasts a remarkably tight, efficient and clever script, one that is frequently used as a teaching aide in screenwriting classes.)
It's hard to say what changed, but Lady in the Water feels like the work of an entirely different man - a petty, bitter narcissist with, frankly, minimal skills as a director. Despite the presence of virtuoso cinematographer Christopher Doyle, the movie is flat, drab and visually uninspired. The characters are pure stereotypes across the board, sometimes offensively so, as with the Korean mother-daughter pair who speak in broken, pidgin English. As for the narrative itself, the less said the better. Night has concocted an unwieldly, convoluted and nonsensical mythology, none of which he has the inclination or budget to actually present on screen, so his film consists largely of characters dryly reciting the plot in the most blatant, uninteresting, expositional way possible.
I'm rarely inclined to side with studio executives over creative artists, but in this case, the Disney executives who balked at Night's plans were absolutely on the side of right. Lady in the Water is damn near unwatchable.
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