Misfire

by Ari

The following movies represent enormous, even catastrophic commercial or artistic disasters by some of the finest talents of the last 30 years or so. Great directors, bad films. For one reason or another, it happens from time to time.

As before, I decided not to repeat directors.

10. I, Robot - Alex Proyas

There's a story I like to tell whenever I discuss this blank commercial disappointment by visionary Dark City master Alex Proyas. For a few years I worked at my family-owned independent laserdisc/dvd store Laser Blazer back in LA. It's an industry spot, a small independent where a lot of writers/directors/actors/producers/assholes like to browse and purchase their dvds. Proyas, one of kindest and generous of these writer/director customers, was in the store around the time of post-production on I, Robot, and being a huge admirer of his work, I had to at least mention my enthusiasm for Dark City and express my anticipation for his new film. He seemed to appreciate my Dark City comments, but when I said, "I'm looking forward to I, Robot. Looks good", his response was a surprised, "it does?". And yeah, watching the film you would never guess it was directed by the same person. It's pure Hollywood product, empty and tedious, flat and forgettable. I hope his next film, Knowing, is not a repeat of this type of work.

9. Dune - David Lynch

In many ways I wish David Lynch would remake a Dune adaptation with the proper studio support and his newfound creative freedom. Faithful or not, it could be something spectacularly offbeat. The Dune we have now is a spectacular mess of a movie, neither interesting, offbeat or remotely compelling. It's just an uneven and awkward experience by one of the greatest minds of the last thirty years, not to mention the one real misfire in Lynch's tremendous filmography (Lost Highway is brilliant, don't go there).

8. Quintet - Robert Altman

I enjoy Quintet in a way, but not because it's good. This bizarre Altman futuristic thriller with Paul Newman is as cold, distant and foggy as its cinematography. The film is about a dangerous board game played by a surviving cult in a new ice age. Paul Newman becomes involved in the game after his wife's death. Fernando Rey gives an atrocious, rather embarrassing appearance as one of the members of the cultish society. It's silly and ridiculous, a departure for Altman that resulted in one of his most confounding efforts.

7. Batman - Tim Burton

I understand this film has its supporters, but the last time I put this on, I could barely make it through the poor set-pieces and silly humor. Nicholson's Joker is not a character. He's Jack Nicholson in bad makeup dancing to Prince. It's all rather embarrassing, and after Nolan's considerable achievement with this franchise, Burton's original looks particularly inept. Batman Returns wasn't so bad, though.

6. Zardoz - John Boorman

5. Windtalkers - John Woo

It's a serious World War II film that plays like a parody of every war film convention you've seen. The great Nicolas Cage is surprisingly out of place in a movie that confirmed the death of John Woo's artistry in America.

4. Lost World - Steven Spielberg

Jurassic Park was a triumphant comeback after Hook (which also could've made this list), but Lost World was an especially uninspired way to follow Schindler's List. It's Spielberg on autopilot for nearly two hours. The magic from Jurassic Park was gone. Where's that suspense, tension, excitement? Spielberg escapism has never been the same since Schindler's List. Like his recent Crystal Skull, this movie has no creative fire burning within.

3. U Turn - Oliver Stone

Unwatchable. Stone dares you to sit through this movie from beginning to end. It's a miserable experience all around. Sean Penn is a drifter who takes a wrong turn into a Southwest nightmare with some seedy people in a small town. Joaquin Phoenix plays a character called T.N.T. You see, he's like dynamite, and when he goes off, people get hurt!

2. Redacted - Brian De Palma

The cheap transition effects, the amateur actors, the horrid attempts at recreating real acts of terror and torture.....is this a movie? Showing a computer screen with a soldier's wife bursting into tears for a few minutes (we have to watch the file load) is not gripping storytelling. It's like watching the myspace version of Casualties of War, but replace Vietnam with Iraq. De Palma is one of my favorite directors (I can even find redeeming qualities in Black Dahlia) but this is beyond unbearable.

1. The Keep - Michael Mann

Let me clear this up a bit. The Keep is not nearly as miserable as Redacted or some of the other movies on this list. It's quite the opposite, actually. It's number 1 because it's my personal favorite misfire by a great director, a movie so ludicrous and cheesy and over-the-top that you have to enjoy it on some level. That said, it's an incredible, spectacular, fascinating miss for a perfectionist like Michael Mann. Has this been released on dvd yet? I know for a while Mann's embarrassment of the film was the reason it was unavailable. The plot involves a Nazi fortress with a crazy, mystical, rampaging monster inside it. It features Gabriel Byrne, Ian McKellan, Scott Glenn and the music of Tangerine Dream.